


it'll all make sense again

by justyncase



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Kevin has OCD, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Panic Attacks, arnold has autism, connor has an anxiety disorder, i love her lmao, kevin's sister exists, poptarts has manic depression, this is incredibly self indulgent jfc, title from dodie clark's "secrets for the mad"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 02:45:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17195033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justyncase/pseuds/justyncase
Summary: Connor has been holding himself together for so long and he couldn't anymore. He breaks. Thankfully someone who understood was there to help.





	it'll all make sense again

**Author's Note:**

> i still suck at descriptons wHOOPS...   
> anyways,, this is very self indulgent because i am not letting myself have a panic attack the first day with my mother so... write fanfcition about panic attacks instead ?? idk
> 
> sorry if connor's actual attack seems really scattered in the way its resolved. i am going based on my own, and they are all kind of cloudy. 
> 
> -justyn

Connor McKinley noticed his condition from a young age. He constantly was thinking about what others thought of him. He had to make sure everything was absolutely perfect. This made him "a joy to have in class" as his teachers put it. When Connor started Jr. High, he noticed his anxiety make a rather big jump. Instead of just caring about others perceptions of him, there was now this fear that he would never succeed. His pulse was constantly heightened at 120 beats per minute on average. Then freshman year of high school came around. Connor James McKinley began to have panic attacks everyday. There was twenty minute period of him sitting in a school bathroom or in his room with Mozart playing loudly to cover his crying. During this year, he met Christopher Thomas. They quickly became best friends. As it turned out, Chris had chronic depression. Chris was medicated for it, his parents saw that it helped a lot with his performance in... well life. Connor tried to get his mom to do the same, but they had an economic struggle. Elder McKinley was overjoyed when he found out that he and Elder Thomas were mission companions together. They could help each other in their times of need.

One night in July, Connor found himself unable to sleep. He had tried and tried. Whether it was the Ugandan heat or his anxiety, he couldn't sleep. The moment tears tried to escape his eyes, he stood up. 

"Hey Con, you okay? It's two in the morning..." Chris said, grogginess and worry in his voice.

"Fine, just need to go to the bathroom." Connor lied. Was lying wrong? Yes. Very, but he couldn't have Chris be even more worried about him. It would be worth going to Hell for. 

With that he got up and walked downstairs to the kitchen. To his surprise, Kevin Andrew Price was sitting on the couch with some tea, tapping his knee repeatedly. The taller man had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Uganda was brutal on his mind. 

"Elder Price, I am surprised to see you up so late." The auburn-haired boy whispered, breaking the silence.

"Elder McKinley, you scared me." he began. Looking at the shorter man, he quickly realized what was going on. He had seen the signs in his sister. "Everything okay, Elder?" 

"Fine... and even if it wasn't, you wouldn't be able to help." Connor replied.

"Wanna try me? My younger sister, Maggie, has a severe anxiety disorder. Almost couldn't do school because of it." Kevin explained. Connor sighed. That made his opinion on having Kevin see him cry a lot easier. "Elder, would you like to sit beside me?" 

Connor nodded and sat beside Kevin, keeping a distance. The two sat in silence, making occasional glances at each other. Somewhere in that time, Connor had brought his knees to his chest, resting his head atop them. Eventually he couldn't hold it together anymore. Tears began to fall and his chest was beating too fast to breathe.

"I... I'm so sorry." Connor said before bursting into tears. He couldn't hold himself any more. He had been for weeks and it was all too much. He couldn't spend another second pretending to be fine and well put together. He couldn't be the District Leader everyone expected anymore. Only Chris had seen him like his, but Connor couldn't cry at him again. 

Kevin was taken back from this display of emotion. He had seen outbursts like this from Maggie and Arnold, but never anyone like Connor. No one who pretended to be fine all the time and was a great leader, and took care of everyone. It was all so odd. Kevin wanted to help Connor, he really did. Him and Maggie had a system for he panic attacks. But was Connor comfortable with touch and speech? Was Kevin? This was all fairly new to him.

"Elder- Connor, am I allowed to touch you?" Kevin asked calmly. Connor shook his head, tears falling from his eyes. "Okay. Can I move closer?" 

"If you... if you want... cause you could also just leave me if that's more appealing to you. Would be to me. Just leave this worthless blob of tears. I don't even know why you're bothering to be honest I just, I don't know. It's all kind of weird." Connor sobbed.

"Con," Kevin began, "You are going to be okay. I'm not going to just leave you, especially while you are in this condition. That would be a definite sin. Connor, can you breathe at all?" 

"No, Not... not really." Connor replied, his body shaking slightly. 

Kevin sighed. He moved one of his hands midway between the two of them. Suddenly Connor was pressed against Kevin's side, crying into his shoulder. 

"Connor, you're okay, dear." Kevin breathed, moving his arms around Connor, rubbing his back. Connor however shook his head. 

"No it won't. I shouldn't have been chosen for District Leader. Heavenly Father made a mistake." Connor sobbed. Kevin was still rubbing his back.

"Connor, look at me please. I need you to try and breathe with me." Kevin said with a comforting tone. Connor nodded, moving slightly back. "Okay... is it okay if I touch your thigh?" Connor nodded again.

Kevin began to slowly draw a box on his thigh. "Do you see the box I'm drawing? I want you to try to breathe in for one side, and out for another." Connor nodded, trying to follow. Slowly, he calmed down. Kevin followed the breath pattern as well, in case Connor lost track. After about 15-20 minutes, Connor was calm again.

"You okay now?" Kevin asked in a hushed tone.

"Yeah. Thank you... and sorry for making you worry." Connor replied with a sigh.

"I would much rather be here worried for you, than have you suffer alone, y'know." 

"You shouldn't have to worry about two anxious people all the time." 

"Well, I am worried about two people with anxiety, one with autism, one with chronic depression, and at least two of them are worried about this OCD freak. Okay?" Kevin explained.

"I... okay." Connor took a deep breath. He was too tired to argue. He rested his head against Kevin's shoulder, yawning. Kevin smiled pulling a blanket over them as they drifted to sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> go to my musical tumblr @mckpricely to chat about this or send me prompts.. i'm v lonely guys... i think this is shorter than the best year at least... heh. sorry for the spam i've been really bored.
> 
> -justyn, aka actual connor mckinley


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